Contingent Acceptances

Contingency can be an entity on it’s own. From a logical standpoint, the word itself is a proposition defined as, “True under certain conditions, false under others; not necessary.” The simple fact is I feel I have been living a haphazard life; one without a plan or organization. There is no set sleeping pattern, no regular routines, no consistency overall. Isn’t this the ideal situation to be in though? To gain that control over where you go, when you go, and determine exactly you want to do? Although it is a liberating experience and state to be caught up in, it is easy to get too comfortable. The hard part is learning to balance the new freedom and formulate a productive lifestyle as well.

The transition from a uniformed lifestyle to an uncanny yet free one does come with challenges on its own. The fact of not having a set schedule or set plan is scary. Going into this new chapter feels as if one’s been pushed into a new world and forced to survive. Somehow, someway. You have to figure out how you want to live your life, where you want to live it, and create your own strategy in getting there. It’s a beautiful fright because it is a different type of fear. While some of us have fears of heights, spiders, bees, death etc., this is a fear that is derived from ourself as beings. The fear is being scared to make the necessary changes needed for yourself. There are tendencies to think hard about what we should do or what we think we know what we want, and then just stick with it. But, as for me, when I take a step back, there’s a moment of self reflection where my true longings and desires are revealed before me. This realization that occurs, it is you putting yourself in your place. This other half of you confronts and tells you the truth about your feelings, desires, and needs. The hard part I have discovered is learning to accept. Now that I have the knowledge of knowing exactly what I want, who I want, where I want to be, how I want to change etc., it’s easy to choose the known route and remain in this falsified state of life.

Acceptance is hard because we feel that the moment we accept something, we will be misunderstood or repudiated. Our fear is to feel alone or abandoned. Regardless if one preaches how they enjoy being independent or appear to be strong, I like the believe that everyone needs comfort and empathy. No matter what the circumstances are. A person that comes into my mind is only one I have heard of and have never met or know much of. All I know is, this person is a heart scientist who longs to be a heart surgeon one day, and has been looking for “love” for years and claims they simply can’t find it. They claim luck has not been on their side and feel the pressure of time since they are much older now. They have friends and family already married and starting families. They claim to want this yet wouldn’t be willing to do that anytime soon. So what is it exactly that this heart scientist wants? I believe the battle is with the self. When there is no acceptance, then there is an emotional detachment. The irony is a heart scientist is searching for that love in all the possible and right ways, but can’t seem to find it. I find it tragic but also see it as a lesson. You have to let things happen organically. Once we learn to accept things, whether we want to or not, we need to come to terms with our true feelings. I believe we bury those innocent and pure feelings since there is a fear of accepting them to ourselves. Even if we accept it to ourselves, the next step would be to see if others will accept. By thinking ahead, we create our own defense tactic which thus impedes us from attaining what we truly want. So who is the enemy? Ourselves. We won’t be happy unless we allow ourselves to reach that happiness.

Something I read recently presented this business philosophy called “kaizen.” It is based on making positive changes on a regular basis as to improve productivity. This can be applied to one’s personal or social life by focussing on constant continuous improvement. Learning about this was like a breath of fresh air. It reaffirmed my uneasiness as contingent, or conditional state. It would not last forever, but I needed to embrace this feeling and use it to my advantage. By accepting my feelings and allowing myself to feel them, then I can make the necessary positive changes.


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